Thankful

Yes, I am Thankful

I can be a very sassy and smart a-lecky person. Sarcasm is my super power. And being able to see both sides of the fence is something I can do, but my first look is to look for the darkness in the heart of men. I heard that in the voice that narrated the show, “The Shadow”. So it might seem that I am a negative and possibly even bitter person. But I am not. Just because I can see such things and can even expect them from most people and have been on the receiving end of many people’s darkness, does not mean I don’t see the light that exists or the light that is even possible.

I learned to pray and dream before I ever learned about being thankful. There are so many things that come to mind that kept me from learning about thanks. Some trivial. Some volcanic in their spiritual violence.

There were silly things to disappoint a young girl. Like getting a flowered, cotton wind breaker for her birthday instead of the trendy, silky one that was so popular at the time. Like wearing a home made native American costume for the Thanksgiving play that was GREEN, instead of the brown that everyone else was wearing because green material was already on hand. Like not being able to stay with the family I knew because my parents divorced. Like not having anything that belonged to me, which was not a lot but precious even more, because we moved to another state and took nothing with us. Like living with a man who I was told to call daddy, knowing in my fibers, he could not stand me. This all sound terrible. I am who I am because of this.

I am thankful.

I am truly an optimist at heart. Though things make now be as I want or may not work out as I expect, I know from experience that things work out for the betterment of my life before you know it. This was a life lesson that I built upon.

I am thankful.

For instance, I married a man in my 20’s that I loved deeply. He died one year after we were married and I spiraled into the depths of grief. I have very few memories of the immediate 6 months after his death. And even two years later, I was so raw, so hurt, I allowed myself to be grossly manipulated into marrying a man who made my life hell for four years. The marriage ended when he left the state to be with his male lover. And I finally knew I was not crazy. That he had lied and cheated and was everything I thought he was.

I am thankful.

BUT……….a few years later, I met a man who defied all odds. As a couple, we made no sense. None. He was younger by 12 years. He had very little life experience. He was an only child and had very little understanding of other children, much less any experience of raising children. I had two children to raise. And I could not have any more children so he would never have any children from his own body if he was to be with me. I felt safe with him. I felt pretty with him. I felt loved.

I am thankful.

WE married any way. He changed his name to mine. He adopted my children and called them his own. And 27 years later, we are married, a couple, a family and grandparents of children that are adopted into our family. My husband set the example and the standard for my son on how to build a family from a very nontraditional stance.

I am thankful.

In a previous Girl Behind the Fence Book – Renewal, I wrote about how I died. And I was given the choice to come back. So I did. And since that time, the relationships I have healed, the relationships I have made, the relationships I now understand have changed who I am. I am more heart. I found out how loved I am. And I discovered God really is someone I can have a personal relationship with and talk with.

I am thankful.

In my life, I have been neglected, ignored, abused, abandoned, cheated, deprived and belittled. I also did those things to myself at times. Much more than others ever could have done to me. I learned though how to overcome being alone, being hurt, feeling less than. I learned who I was, who I am and who I can continue to grow into. I learned who I was when I was three and still innocent and loving and hopeful and pure of spirit and glad to be on this earth. And then I learned to see others as they were when they were three, and who they hoped to be and the dreams that made them giggle during the day and to dream with at night. And with my life experiences and my spiritual sight, I learned that my sarcasm was just a doorway to finding the right words at the right time to say the right thing to help a person to be right within themselves.

I am thankful.

Before this book came out, my father died. We had a very turbulent, off more than on again relationship. He was verbally abusive to say the least. I had not spoken to him for 4 months before he died. I was going to call him on New Years Day but he died early that morning. He was troubled and heartbroken and hurt many people who wanted to be close to him. People outside of the family loved him because he was funny and charming and told good stories. Because I know some of his troubles, I was so thankful when I heard he died in my stepmothers arms, quietly and without any sign of distress. It sounded very peaceful to hear her speak on it. I am writing this for others to see. I feel hopeful and feel no shame or remorse.I am thankful.