My Renewal

This article was featured in the Girl Behind the Fence series.
These books and more written and edited by Deborah can be found on her Amazon Author page.

Death Is a Beginning

There are so many catch phrases in the world today pertaining to emotional and spiritual growth and awareness.  “Woke” is one.  “Authentic self” is another.  Renew and renewal is often times the catch phrase used to describe a litany of ideas and practices, leading people to the assumption of getting new and better. 

If you look at the definition of renewal, this is what you will find:

Definition of renew:

1 : to make like new : restore to freshness, vigor, or perfection as we renew our strength in sleep
2 : to make new spiritually : regenerate
3a : to restore to existence : revive 3b : to make extensive changes in : rebuild
4 : to do again : repeat
5 : to begin again : resume

As you can see, overall, the meaning is simply to get back to your original status.  One version of the word actually means to rebuild and make major changes in.   And I think this is where a lot of people get derailed.   To renew, without change, puts you right back to where you were.  And to my way of thinking, if where you were so great, you wouldn’t have gotten derailed and needing to “renew”Yes, many times we need to rest, to regenerate and revive ourselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually or all three to just carry one.  But is to carry on enough?  So to my way of thinking, renewal is about changes – probably extreme changes, so that our person is either motivated to or needs to change our direction.  Our thoughts need to change focus.  Our hearts need to grow.  Our spirits need to be unfiltered and set free.
Many times, people can see these changes come through a horrible time or set of circumstances.  A divorce, a death of a loved one, a loss of quality life.  Any of these things can shake a person to their core, leaving them to need or decide to change the focus of their lives.  And just as often, these things can also create a spiral that leads down just as possible as showing us a way up. 
And then there are those times, too few and too infrequent, at least from my experience, where something happens and it changes us.  Like a magic wand being waved across our heads, we find ourselves fresh, changed, new because we are no longer who we used to be.  We are better than we ever have been.  And it came effortlessly, with no conscious thoughts or works or deeds require to shift the path we are on.
 I was lucky enough to have had one of those experiences.

 I died. 

I didn’t know there was a puzzle to be solved or questions to answer. I didn’t’ know my life had a hole in it.  I didn’t know I was missing something or that I had a hunger in my heart and soul that could be fed. And then the whole world opened up for me and I had solutions to problems I didn’t even know existed.  It all came to be the day I died.
Or at least it seemed like that.  What happened to me was very similar to what most of you have heard in many formats and a “Near Death Experience”.
It was a very warm day in the spring and I was rushing to get out the door to meet my husband for a business meeting we were going to attend.  As I pulled out of the drive, the garage door decided to malfunction.  It would not come down.  I pushed the button and it would come down about half way and then grind its way back to the open position.  I couldn’t leave it up so I put the car in park and went inside to pull the manual release.  

My idea was to release it so I could PULL it closed.  When I pulled the release, the door started to swoosh close and my car was in the alley still running.  I rushed to grab the door and push it high enough to scoot out.  I accomplished half of that… I got it high enough so I could get under it and the door came down on top of my head. 

There was light but it was also dark.  And there were a lot of people standing around me.  I recognized three faces though and was not surprised to see them.  There was my grandmother (the one that spoke in tongues when she prayed),  my brother, who had taken his life many years ago and Marvin, my husband who has passed when I was 25.  I don’t remember speaking to them or them speaking to me but I do remember quite vividly the FEELING.  And it can only be described as TRUE COMFORT AND JOY!

 I have never felt such exquisite fulfillment, ever.  I never wanted to leave there!  And then out of the blue, I heard an animal roar!!!  Muuuuaaaaarr.  It was deep and bellowing.  And I could feel myself drifting.  And a consciousness came to me and I knew that sound!  It was my Australian Shepherd, Seamus!  And he never makes a sound, never even barks, unless he is in pain!!  HE MUST BE HURT.  But I so love where I am!  And then I heard it again – MUUUUUAAAAARRRRR.  And then I was told, I knew I had a choice.  I can stay.  Or I can go back.  There was no right or wrong answer, but I had to make a choice.  So I did.

My dog is hurt.  I must go to him.  I can’t leave him in pain, no matter how I feel.  And then I realize, I cannot open my eyes!!!!

I do not panic, which looking bad, seems a bit odd.  I try to open them again and they won’t budge.  And then I realize, I don’t really want to open my eyes.  So then I say, “God, MAKE me open my eyes.”  And I am now wide awake.  And I turn my head and I realize I am lying on the driveway.  And there is Seamus, unharmed but he is in the house, trying to get out, trying to reach me.  I look at my watch and the time is 6:25 PM.  I am shocked.  I got into my car at 6:00 PM.  I have been out for almost 25 minutes.  I wiggle my fingers and toes and all feels fine.  I stand up no problem.  But I can’t get to my car.  So I go through the house.  Pet Seamus who is now quiet as can be, walk around the house and climb into my car. 

I intended to go to the meeting as planned, but as I looked down, I realized my pants were dirty and torn.  I drove to the front of the house and go back in, to change. I start to call my husband to tell him and when he answers the phone, I can’t talk.  It sounds like a foreign language coming out of my mouth.  They call this “word salad”

And as I tried to speak, less and less would come out.  Scott, my darling husband, hung up on me and that really made me mad.  He was calling 911.  I called my mother and I couldn’t get anything out of my mouth that was to be understood.  She thought I was playing a joke on her.  That made me even madder.  Why couldn’t I talk??? 

I could write very well and tried to write the problem down for the paramedics. The most immediate issue was I need to go to the bathroom.  But they weren’t having any of that.  They slapped me on a gurney so fast, that if I wasn’t dingy enough from the hit on the head, I was now!!  And just to be safe, they slapped a precautionary catheter into me.  Now I am really mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was at the trauma unit for over 8 hours.  But I was there for two reasons.  I was to find out how much my family cared about me.  And I was there for her – the Littlest Angel.

In the trauma unit, as if you are not traumatized enough, they put two people in each room, separated only by a sheet.  Next to me was a man I never saw.  I was strapped to a gurney and could not move anything but my hands. 

I could however, smell his blood.  And I could hear the screams of a little girl.

The man next tome had lost his leg in a construction accident.  His wife was there with their four-year-old daughter.  There was no one to see to the little girl. 

She kept running from the side of the room where her father lay to my side and the nurses kept forcing her back to that side.  I couldn’t take it.  I kept banging my hands on the bed and my husband finally understood what I meant.  He told the nurses to let her stay on our side of the sheet.

Every time a new nurse would come into the room, they would try to force the little girl back to her side of the room. 

I was being moved about – MRI’s, tests, tests, more tests and more tests.  As I was being wheeled out of my room one more time, this time for X-Rays, I could hear my husband crying on one side of the room and the little girl on the other side of the room.  OK.. I thought I had been mad earlier.  Now I was really mad.  As I was being put into the x-ray machine, I said  “God, MAKE ME TALK!”  I tried to speak and could not get a sound out.  I rolled into the X-Ray field, and three minutes later rolled out and as I did, I hear WORDS coming out of my mouth – simply “Thank you, God!!”

I was very happy and when I got back to my room, I hear the little girl crying again and her mother was trying to console her and care for her husband as well.  I still could not move, but I COULD TALK!  I called to the little girl and said, “I feel so much better.  Can you come talk to me for a while?” 

She came running over to my bed and we just talked – or rather I talked.  I told her about my own granddaughter and how they looked a lot alike, but one had dark hair and the other had blonde.  I told her the things my baby girl liked and I sang her the songs I sang to my precious grand baby at night.  It was a very special experience for me.  Then her mother came for her and said they had a room for her husband to go to.  As they got ready to go, the little girl grabbed my fingers and said very quietly, “I love you!” 

I squeezed her hand back and told her the same.

I started to sob.  My soul felt full and hurt at the same time.  I said out loud, “I am ready to go home.”, and like magic, the nurse came in and let me get up, no pomp and circumstance, just bing, bang, boom and up I went!!!

As I crawled into bed, that early morning, I remember thinking – “What do I do with this?”  I was not prepared for the answer at all!!!

The following year after this event was like a lifetime in itself.  What transpired though was that I finally become who I was when I was a child.  I became the person who God intended me to be before I was bombarded with confusion and misrepresentation and became overwhelmed and bogged down with what we call the "process of Daily Living”.

It was stages and still is coming in stages.  Just as soon as I think, “ok, this is a good place to be, something new and supernaturally simple comes to me to share with others. 

First, my coaching business took off and became a full time endeavor for me.  Then I realized there were a lot of things I had ignored because I did not understand them or did not accept them.  So I did not “study” about spiritual gifts, I just accepted mine.  I sat down and said to God, “I will accept whatever you give and I will do what you tell me to do with it.”

Nothing happened.  Or so I thought.  Then, in three different events, all in one week, I was told that I had the gift of prophecy based on some information I shared.  And pretty soon I found that I had all kinds of information for people and about people that could help them or encourage them or sooth them.  Two things had to happen though for me to be able to do this.  One, they had to ask me and two I had to ask God. 

And I was very clear about this process.  Then I was worried about being labeled a psychic or being labeled anything at all really.  I just wanted it to be clear that if I could help or did help, my talents were God’s, not mine and that was a huge struggle for me.  And then I had to grapple with judgment.  My own and worrying about others.  And when I found doors opened for me with no effort of my own and I saw love and acceptance there, my heart was peaceful. 

And I knew what I had to offer because of God’s gifts to me.  Yes, I sometimes “know” things that help people.  But my real gifts are:

• Words of Encouragement

• Words of Wisdom

• Words of Faith

And then one you don’t find of the list of gifts, normally – Words for laughter.

One of the ways I do that is to help people to see the “other” side of things – to poke holes in their worries.  And when I get nervous about what I am doing, I remember that God gave me His gifts and if I misuse them or fail to use them, he always has a garage door to get my attention again!

And my gift to him is making sure I use those gifts to show who He is to others. 

God’s biggest gift to me I believe is being able to see others as He sees them.  This allows me to do what I think we are all commanded to do; to reach out to others and offer a glimpse of God through our actions. 

And here is how if I knowing if I am getting it right.  If when people hear my name or see me, they think, “Wow she really loves Jesus!” 

And that is saying a lot!!  Because if you know me, you know this about me:  I love Jesus.  I cuss a lot.  I drink beer.  And I have tattoos. 

And if God can use someone like me, so flawed and so rough around the edges, you have to know He has a purpose for you.  If you don’t believe me, just ask Him.  He will tell you!!!